I don’t sleep.
I thought Joey was going to be my miracle sleeper. The kind I hear other Mamas have that surprise them with 6-8 hour stretches of sleep and then bring them a hot cup of coffee in the morning and offer them a foot rub.
Delusional? Yes. But I don’t sleep, remember? I’m definitely delusional. I’m also hungry all the time. Apparently so is the baby. But I digress…
I knew this was coming. I wrote about it in a letter to My-Future Middle-of-the-Night Self, but it still is something I have to cope with daily.
I don’t sleep and the thing that is saving me from a total mental breakdown (so far) is that I can accept it. I “go to bed” at night, anticipating the amount of time I will likely spend out of bed. I set my (majorly legit) coffee maker knowing that it will be my lifeline come 5:30 (or earlier, because, ya know, I don’t sleep. Do you feel bad for me yet? Thanks.
I begin my day by letting go of the night. I feel the need to vent the actual wake up times and increments, and so I journal them and then I put them behind me for the day. I pray for His strength and grace and spirit to be refresh my soul. I put the night to rest and embrace the day and His mercy made new each morning.
I take hold of things that refresh and refuel me. I read and journal, I work out, I eat healthy, I am productive. These things may not offer me the rest that sleep offers, but they give me a different kind of refill and I am determined to live in spite of the physical exhaustion by increasing my spiritual strength.
During my pregnancy, I felt like I was trying to swim in a gorilla suit. My body was so busy making my sweet baby boy that every other move I made felt like I was moving in slow motion, barely keeping my head above the water. Now, it’s the opposite. With the help of very regular coffee intake and Mrs. Newton’s law, I can move my body in a way that generates energy and recharges me. I can keep on top of the daily tasks that create outer order and produce an inner calm. I can power through in a way that I couldn’t while pregnant.
A Mommy in motion stays in motion.
This is what I’m thankful for in this season. I’m trying not to focus on what I lack, (sleep, time to myself, warm weather) and instead I’m embracing what I do have. I wake up each day with seriously incredible kids, a husband who is my soul mate and friend and a body designed in the image of the One who will sustain me through any trial that comes my way.
Ps. This dude. I’d choose him over 1,000 perfect nights of sleep. Over and over. So there’s that.
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