I withdraw. It’s what I do. I have a history of withdrawing pretty intensely in these winter months. My energy stores are low. I can’t believe humans aren’t hibernating creatures. It sounds perfect for me. Like, “Well, it’s getting pretty chilly and the whole world looks dry, ugly, and sad, so I’m gonna eat a real big meal, burrow in a cave with my cubs and peace out for a few months. Wake me when it’s time to shave my legs and wear sandals.”
But no. Nope. No hibernating for Darla. What did I do instead? NO CLUE. Seriously. I read some books. I cooked a lot of awesome food, but it gets dark at noon, so I could never photograph it for a post. I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher a lot. I took MANY naps. I became addicted to vitamin C and D gummies. My friend Jess showed me how to use “hair products”. I averaged about 7,000 measly steps a day and developed a pretty resentful relationship with my fitbit. I played with the kids and did a lot of laundry. I don’t know though. Given my level of fatigue, I feel like I should have more to show for it. Like, “Hey world, sorry you didn’t hear from me the last few months, I’ve been training for a body building competition and completing every wonderful task, craft, and DIY on my Pinterest boards.” Yeah, I basically entered into a modified, barely socially acceptable hibernation. When I left the house, I started the car 2o minutes early to warm it up and came back as soon as possible. I retreated under blankets as soon as the kids were in bed for the night and didn’t budge until Jordan woke me up to go upstairs to bed. I worked or had some obligation just about every morning and it zapped me. I spent my limited energy on things outside of the house that drained me, and had little left for anything else.
The thing is, I’m fine with it. It’s how I like it for a bit. I am a homebody and really am fine to just curl up into myself for a long time. The only thing that is hard is the guilt! I feel so bad when I hear from friends or see them after I disappeared for a while. I’m learning a lot about my personality type (INFP), and I’m trying to figure out how to embrace who I am, and also challenge myself to balance it with all the other roles I play in my life. Here is a little part of my personality type. (If you don’t know yours, go to 16personalities.com for a free quick quiz and prepare to be amazed. Then, immediately tell me yours so I can be nerdy about it.)
So, basically, spot on. Hermit mode feels great to me. It feels natural, but it can be pretty unproductive in a lot of ways. Luckily spring is coming and I’m beginning to be less afraid of going outside. I’m reaching back out to my friends and even daring to make plans, because I’m starting to feel more capable of making it through a whole day. The ice is going away. Things are coming back to life, myself included!
So, here is my sorry not sorry friends. I get a lot of, “How are you really???“s around this time, but I assure you, I’m okay! I’m just odd. That’s all. Thanks for loving me even when I’m weird and complicated. Let’s have a play date soon! For one hour, and let there be snacks and coffee and don’t make me wear jeans, it’s still too soon.