You grew up on me overnight, didn’t you? You’re vocabulary exploded, your motor skills developed, your height just went and doubled, right before my eyes. I have a fear of forgetting. I feel the moments and the horsey kisses and the handholding and the memories slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. Can you just stay this way for a few more years? Can you keep melting into my hugs and patting my back when I carry you up the stairs? Can you always beg, “Night Moon! Blank! Please? Again?” before bed? Oh, won’t you always hold my face and look in wonder at my earrings and say, “Pretty Mama!”
Today we played doctor and I checked your heartbeat. It’s was so strong and lovely that it brought me to tears. I just can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe you’re mine. I love your stinky chubby feet and your awkward run. I love how you hand me your boogers when you pick your nose and laugh when you and Lila throw food at each other when I’m not looking. I love how you and your sister love each other. You may just shatter my heart with that cuteness. I love how you show me everything. “Mama watch!” I’m watching, little man. I can’t look away, because I might just miss it all.
You had milks for the last time. I needed to know when it was over. I couldn’t stand the idea of not remembering the last time. Lila and Daddy were already downstairs for the morning and I heard you wake up and ask for me. We talked about how you’re so big and how you tell me about your feelings and how you can be comforted by words and affection. We talked about how you don’t need milks anymore and so the milks went away. You nursed for the last time and I kissed your head. I know we’re ready, but that doesn’t make it hurt less and so I couldn’t stop the tears.
“Mommy crying? Mommy sad?
“Yeah, baby. Mommy is a little sad, but I’m mostly just so proud of how big you are.”
“Silly Mommy, read book!”
And so you tucked yourself under my arm and I read Goodnight Moon 5 times in a row at 7 am. You let me love you, just in a different way. I guess that’s what our next 100 years will look like. Growing, changing, and always adjusting the ways we can show each other our love. I can learn to live with that, but, dear God, please don’t let me forget.
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.