Miscarriage Has Changed Me

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You’ve changed my life forever. Now, I live in a world where 1 in 4 women, even me, will lose a baby in infant or pregnancy loss. It wasn’t real until that moment when she couldn’t find her heartbeat. That moment when she couldn’t even force herself to say the words. Now, I live in a world where I’ve heard your heartbeat and now I’ll never hear your voice. I desparately want to grow our family further, and yet, I know the day I’m lucky enough to see a positive pregnancy test will be the day I begin to lay awake at night in fear of it happening all over again. Losing you changed me. 

I’ve never fallen so hard to my knees. It broke me. It was only then, that I realized God’s goodness. 

“When the world is falling out from under me, I’ll be found in You, still standing.” 

How was I still breathing? How was the sky so beautiful? How was my life so precious, even in this loss? He’s a good, good Father. He comforts me when I’m weak. 

Since my Sweet Lost One left me, my life has never been the same. I don’t take one single heart beat of my children’s for granted, even the one that ended too soon. Even in those tough moments that life brings, I’m reminded of the sweet things. I go into the kids rooms at night, long after they’ve fallen asleep, and kiss their little hands and soft cheeks and that love wells up in my throat. How can it be? 

It’s infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. My candle is lit for you My Sweet Lost One. It is lit for you too, friends, for the babies that left you too soon and left a wake of grief behind. What an odd and lonely grief it can be, right?

You’re not alone though, none of us are. 

Oh God, you’re a good good father. Please kiss her little hand and her soft cheek as she rests with you tonight. Thank you for sharing her with me, even for a brief time. 

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This is not the first time I’ve written about my loss. I share it so that you can feel less alone in the nightmare I know some of you are in. Here is my story and how I coped. 

Be well, as well as you can be <3

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